Offering Normal

What do I say to someone missing their spouse?

 

What do I say to someone missing their spouse? A dear friend asked me about such a situation this week, and I loved where our conversation went. 

She felt stuck trying to think of what to say to a man whose wife has died. She had known his wife as a friend of her family, but the relationship was more with them as a couple. How does she now relate with him with his wife gone?

I think the key to this is the idea of “gone.”  While his spouse has died, he remains but isn’t entirely alone. The Couple-ness doesn’t just disappear.  Something that has been a major part of his life is also part of his identity, and without his wife alive in the world there is a huge void, but who they were as ‘They’ is still tangibly present.

So I asked my friend what she remembered about this man’s wife.  She had so many things that came quickly to mind and told me about something the woman had loved doing. Before she’d even finished the story I said -

“That. That’s what you say. ‘I saw (blank) and it made me smile and think of her.’ And then share with him the story of what you remembered.” 

Doing that isn’t just finding something to say, it’s also giving him a bit of “normal.” Death happens to all of us, being alone after a death is going to happen too. After the flowers have faded and died, and the stream of cards and checking in has reduced to a trickle, the language of grief is less available.  The world wants to go back to “normal.” 

Giving a grieving friend a bit of “normal” is different from the “back to normal” the world desires. Without his person there is no normal to go back to, there is only moving forward, alone. 

As I shared recently in Good Grief - What Do I Say?, not mentioning the loved one who has died can be sadder than feelings of grief. The grief is there, yes, but so are all the memories, and being welcomed to share them by your referencing their loved one may be opening a door to speak openly and warmly for him as well.

Might there be sadness along with remembering? Yes, and you can let that be ok. There’s that void, but you don’t have to avoid it. Speaking the name and remembering the dead spouse as vibrant and alive may offer a sense of shared connection. And the connection with you may also brighten the connection to the spouse who has died.

Gerald Edward Moira : The Silent Voice (1892) 

Canvas Gallery Wrapped or Framed Giclee Wall Art Print (D6035).  VNTGArtGallery on ETSY

In the heart and in the head we have more than just echoes of a life lived and loved. We have connections and small things can feel like we are touching the love that was with us along with the person.  That love is still alive. 

So, speak the name, share the story, remember the normal along with him.