Hummingbird

Catching the visit, the glimmer

Photo by Roland Schumann on Unsplash

When I’m on the deck and just sitting looking at the yard, the birds, the flowers, my eyes go many places. The sparrows and finches are taking their turns at the sunflower feeder hanging from the tall shepherds hook. A gray catbird or perhaps a lady cardinal comes to the birdbath beside the feeder to drink. A shiny iridescent black grackle jumps in and takes a vigorous and funny bath, water splashing everywhere. On the nearer shepherds hook is a hummingbird feeder, and intermittently these tiny visitors come and slurp the sugary water. Usually their wings are beating as they drink and their bodies sway and dangle in space. Other times they land, and the gem-like green of their feathers shimmers. Seeing the hummingbirds is a great pleasure for me, but their visits are sporadic and fleeting. In order to really see them I must keep my focus on the feeder and not let my gaze or attention flit away to another bird in the bushes or at the birdbath. I must keep my attention on the feeder and quiet my thoughts and relax into the quiet watching. Just breathe and watch, and when the hummingbird arrives just breathe in the moment of sweet color and flight and the brief visit.

It occurs to me that being with Mother and her dementia is a lot like watching for the hummingbirds. When I focus on managing her space, her comfort, my chores around her when I visit it can be like the other birds, the ideas and distractions that make me miss the arrival and visit of the hummingbird. What she is thinking and feeling no longer has a direct path to come out. Aphasia and her retreating brain function has stolen so many of her words. Gestures have to fill in, and to be honest they can confuse my brain. After a long career interpreting for the Deaf I perceive those patterns and automatically try to make them into language, which they are not. They are just hers, and they stay in the moment when she’s communicating something important that I’m missing. Moments later the gestures won’t keep that meaning and are gone.

With communication so different and limited the work of understanding gets in the way of being with Mom when she shows up. If I’m quiet, focus only on being present with her, and breathe, I’m able to wait and catch the arrival of a moment of her being really herself. Perhaps it’s being silly to engage and laugh. It can be an “I love you” that comes unbidden. However Mom shows up it’s a glimmer, a shimmer of a hummingbird’s gem-like color as it lights and stays a moment then flits away.

It could be the breathing that works best to keep me quiet, focused and present if a glimmer comes. I focus on my breath, I may match my breathing to hers a bit, and then other things pull my attention less and less. When she shows up I’m ready to breathe in that moment and enjoy being in it with her. It is such a joy and a real gift.

I recently placed a second hummingbird feeder alongside the deck about six feet from where I sit. This spot is newer to the birds but they do come - and I’m so close to them I can breathe in that short visit. It’s a gem of pure joy when it happens and then flits away.

And now, when I’m with the hummingbirds it feels as if I’m also with Mom.

What ways do you experience your person showing up? What ways do you quiet and focus and catch and enjoy a glimmer?