Don't Die Without Me
The worst slogan ever?
So yeah, I’m a Death Doula. One of my best friends was ruminating on the work I do, the stuff I deal with, and I guess he was trying to be helpful. He says I should have a slogan, something that helps people relate to what I do. Then he comes out with “Don’t Die Without Me!” There was almost a lilt in his voice as he said it. Of course I thanked him for his idea and said “Yeah… no. Just no.”
But when I think about it, that’s what a doula wants people to know, right? You don’t have to die without a guide, someone to walk with you and help make sense of this inevitable but very unfamiliar trip of facing and welcoming the reality of death.
What brought me to this place, working in death care? It’s hard to say, really. As a kid I was curious about death and dying, but not creeped out by it. Nor was I fascinated, all Goth and dark and brooding. No, I was in elementary school when the old man next door, Mr. Frank, died. I say old man, but for all I know or remember he may have been the age I am Now! But I knew him and I knew he was dead, and as my parents went to pay their respects at the viewing before the funeral, I went with them. It was my first experience with a person in my orbit dying, and my parents were always very open and honest with us about all kinds of life things, so they didn’t shy away from me paying my respects too. There isn’t anything specific I remember about Mr. Frank’s viewing, but I wasn’t scared or creeped out. I was Interested.
Later, as an adult, I first experienced actual death firsthand with my Grandmother, Gladys. Being with her as she died was profound and beautiful and felt very natural. It was like I was helping her see the other side from where she was, and helping her let go. Sure, it was sad, and my heart was aching, but nothing about being with her then felt bad or unnatural. Death happened and I spoke its language from the start.
I’ll write more about my further journeys with death in future editions, but suffice it to say there were 7 or 8 more times this came up over the next 25 plus years.
The work I do is almost like being a reverse midwife. Birth Doulas help families with the birth process, a transition into life and breathing. Death Doulas help folk with the transition out of living in a body and breathing. It’s more gentle dealing with the end-of-life stuff ( which our culture finds so scary ) when you have someone who knows the path walking alongside you.
So yeah, whether it’s with me being your doula, helping you get comfortable with the finale of your finite life, or with someone else you trust, you don’t have to do the death thing alone. Come along for the ride as I explore this and other things. I can’t wait to see where it takes us.
Great post Carole.